What follows is a story that will surprise some due to my outward “chillness”.

I was listening to a podcast today (from Motiversity), where author Darren Hardy was talking about a former teacher who pulled him aside after a class and told him success in writing was just not in him, handing back an essay with an F. She told him to perhaps focus on other things. He wished he could remember her name, so he could send her a signed copy of his third NY Times bestseller. “Because she said I couldn’t is probably why I work so hard to this day to do so.”

This reminded me of my FU file I have saved in a Word document on my computer. It is exactly what it sounds like–a collection of some of the crappy things that have been said to me over the years that have helped fuel my desire for betterment. Some were meant innocently enough. Some were downright cruel and especially mean. A very overweight relative saying I was starting to look like them is an example of the first. A former boss telling me I would never amount to shit is an example of the latter. I usually put initials next to the statements to help me remind me who said them. I still pull that file up and read through some of them. I did just now realize I have not added too many entries lately. Not sure if people stopped being crappy or my confidence just finally grew.

See, I have always struggled with desires to belong and feeling like I don’t. I don’t struggle with social skills or talking with peers, but I do struggle with worthiness. I often feel like I orbit several friend groups, but am never the center of one. I’m aware I don’t have natural charisma. I mask these feelings of inadequacy with humor, and often false bravado, which I have apparently gotten good enough at that some people take me for cocky or arrogant. I like to combine those two defense mechanisms and remind people it is not my fault I am better than them.

I don’t have many specific life goals. I like to joke I have accomplished all my life goals by never setting any. But still, a very non-specific one I have had for years now is too make an impact and make sure the world is a better place for having had me in it. Yeah, I know this does not meet the SMART criteria of goal-setting. Hey, I also want to squat 500 pounds until the day I die, so there is your measurables. Heck, it may be what eventually kills me.

That FU file is just one tool I use to remind myself to keep improving and keep shoving those remarks from past friends, family, bosses, etc up their naysaying behinds.

Oh, and I have a playlist for this mood too, because of course I do.

Doubt me, I dare you.

The Other Side

Darren’s story also reminded me of another moment in my life I carry with me, but in a very different mood. When I was in high school, I took a journalism class my sophomore year. Once you took the class, you were able to work on the school newspaper. Then we switched to an eight-block schedule going into my junior year and the newspaper became a full class.

So, I basically spent three years writing for the Locust Log at Flora High School. Early in that time, I got one of my sports stories back from the paper supervisor, Steven Lee, with a ton of red ink corrections on it. But at the bottom was also a note that said “you really should consider being a sportswriter”, adding that I should see him after class if I was interested.

I don’t think he knew at the time that being a sportswriter was basically my plan from junior high on. Mr. Lee stayed out of FU file. I guess I can be motivated in more than one way after all.