I am a judgmental asshole.
I know this. I don’t even try to work on that often, even knowing it is a big weak area I have.
It is my natural inclination. It is a lot of our natural inclinations. I’m just a little more up front with it than most, I think. Which has probably enabled me to get away with more of than I should, if we were to dig deep into the “oh, that is just Weez being Weez” mindset.
Watching the world on fire this week, I have been conscious of this tendency. I made the decision to not speak my mind for a while. I’m still not truly doing that here to be honest. Still, I find myself scrolling through social media, and having conversations…and judging. I ask myself if now is the time to be doing that? I have no freaking clue.
Judgement of others comes from fear, anger, anxiety, confusion..often all related to not wanting to acknowledge any possible faults of our own. Judgement is saying “you are the problem”, not “i am the problem.”
“Who the hell gave you the authority,” Barry asks.
“The people posting dumb shit,” Other Barry says.
I tweeted this out earlier in the week: “There are times to give power to your voice and express your beliefs. There are times to shut up and listen. This week, I’m trying to shut up and listen. It’s not my turn to speak.”
But I have to admit, that may have been me avoiding the problem, not presenting a solution. For while I do need to listen, I’m also not really the one that needs to listen the most, in my judgement. And am I avoiding being an intermediary for those who fall into that category? Am I not fighting enough? Part of me asks if it would do any good. Part of me knows that deep down, my faith in humanity was still a little broken before the powder keg blew. This is a symptom, not an event, and that realization breaks me even more.
Yes, I know I’m rambling a bit here. Roll with it. If I put enough words on the screen, maybe one of them will resemble an answer.
My judgement of others holds me back at times. My need to placate in other situations also does as well. And figuring out when to do which is something I struggle with. Until recently, I generally sided with placating publicly, judging internally. And I sit here typing this as if I need to judge less, but also suspect that would do less good to the world, if I could figure out how to harness it, to turn down the volume on it. Is that my ego talking? Probably. Definitely. Is that saying “you are the problem”? Also, yes. Do I need to do better an understanding even those I judge? Yep.
Any of this resemble profoundness yet?
Don’t answer that.
I land on this: You can do better. I can do better. We can do better. I also understand this requires a level of introspection a lot of people are not capable of. And that makes better unlikely. And knowing I am included in that breaks me a little bit more. How do we hold others and ourselves accountable without judgement?
Judgement is a fickle beast, ain’t he?
Thus far, my best solution is:
I Am Weez 